Archive for the 'Feeling' Category
-image-Kicked off nicotine
Have you ever felt that the thing you usually do become the worsest thing you’ve done? This probably sounds weird, but this is what I felt on sunday, december 27th, 2009.
But, what did I feel? I felt I’m done with smoking,something in my heart said,”alright, vanes! It’s enough!! Enough with those cigarettes!” and I started to hate my smoking habit, I started to hate cigarette’s smoke.
After this day, I didn’t stop smoking directly but managed to smoke menthol cigarette and I smoked lesser.
Day 1 (monday): 4 cigarettes
Day 2 (tuesday): 3 cigarettes
Day 3 (wednesday): 2 cigarettes
Day 4 (thursday): 2 cigarettes
Day 5 (friday): none
and so on…!
This is a weird situation for me, because I had always been thinking that it’s very, very, very hard to stop smoking, but I have stopped without any difficulty. What I meant to say is that, before, when I tried to stop smoking, I felt sensitive, I felt like I was in a rush to buy something and I kept on counting the time about how many hours I haven’t smoked, and such.
More thing which I find weird is that people around asked me why I didn’t smoke when I was with them, and my friend discussed about smoking room when we were at church as if she already heard that I’m not a smoker anymore and wanted to know whether or not it’s true. Maybe it’s just my paranoid thought, but it made me tell her I’m not smoking anymore. I actually didn’t wanna tell it because I wanted to proove being non-smoker for longer time first before I started telling people that I’m a non-smoker now. When people around me asked why I didn’t smoke I only told them that I wasn’t in my mood to smoke.
When my dad bought his cigarette, I couldn’t stand his cigarette’s smoke and had to leave the living room, but as what smokers had told me earlier about stopping with smoking:
“Girl, I’ve tried to stop smoking, but whenever I was with my friends who are smokers, I felt like smoking again and here I am, smoking again!”
“Girl, I’ve tried to stop smoking, but all I felt was sensitiveness, I kept on grumbling, I felt mad the whole day and I felt that I missed something!”
“Girl, I’ve tried to stop smoking, but whenever I got problems, all I wanted was smoking to calm me down!”
Only one is valid for me: which is the first reason; I indeed felt like smoking after I found out that my dad had a cigarette. I did smoke one, but then I gave it back to him. I felt like smoking, but my body couldn’t stand it no more and cigarette’s smoke omg stinks big time!
Few people asked me how I stopped, honestly I don’t know. I had not planned to stop smoking neither. I didn’t chew nicotine chewing gum, I didn’t consult my doctor, I just didn’t smoke and it is the best logical way to stop smoking: don’t smoke and don’t buy cigarette (right?).
But, if you do have a plan to stop smoking, I have some advices here:
- Do something else, do something which makes you forget to smoke
- Buy lollipops so every time you wanna smoke you start to suck a lollipop instead
- Just imagine you’re with your non-smoker friends and you’re currently smoking; I’ll tell you what they probably think: you stink big time! So? Every time you want to start smoking, think about this stinkyness, you don’t want people to tell you stink, right? ;)
But the most important thing is: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP?!?
Okay, I’m going to tell you another truth here:
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-image-Being Decisive
Getting information is important, no matter if you get it from the internet, or offline world. But sometime it just isn’t enough. For the example, you have a hard time to decide what you want to study; For days, weeks, even months you try to decide. Doubting between 2 studies sucks, we all know that! And that’s why you’re obviously searching for all the informations you need to know about both things.
Normally, what I’ve decided is really what I want. But this time I realised that getting information is not yet enough to know that this study is really what I want without experiencing it. By experiencing I meant I have to be in the class and see what kind of things I’ll get in the class.
Last year I’ve studied print design. At first I’d doubted between it and web-design. I can make website layout but I’ve never studied it, I’ve learnt it from the internet. I’d decided to take the print design course and I’m graduated in the same year. I’d told my mom once that I’ve planned to take web-design course after it, but during the time I’ve seen that lots of companies didn’t only ask for someone whose knowledge is only in print design, but also in graphic design, so after searching for all the informations I needed to know about it I thought it’s really what I needed and that’s why I took graphic design course which I’m still doing at this moment.
Few days ago, my mom asked me,”is graphic design really something for you? Are there lots of companies that look for a graphic designers?” I answered,”yes, of course! Why?” “It’s okay, I was just curious.” After this conversation I made a flashback about what I’ve been getting at my college, whether I really like it, and I also remembered what I had told her earlier about my plan. Yesterday evening I talked to the director of my college about the course I want to take and I told a few of my classmates that I’m going to take another course and stop with graphic design. During photography class I realised more that it’s really not my thing, no matter how hard I’ve tried, it didn’t seem enough to convince myself that I really can do it. By the way I was (still I am) a fool who hadn’t expected that I’d have to print a lot! I’ve been working digitally for years! Even if I’ve taken a pictures, I have them on my computer, and flickr photo stream. On my way back to my house I felt a total failure, I discussed with my parents about it and hopefully I don’t have to pay for a complete course, now that I’ve been studying graphic design for 3 months (I still have a few months to go).
Making a decision can be this hard! I’d almost always been decisive before, also when I had to choose which thing I wanted to buy; After a few minutes of thinking and comparing, I could choose without doubting after I’ve bought it.
Now let’s just imagine if you’ve made a wrong decision, what would you feel? Maybe you don’t really feel bad, but maybe you do. It all depends on what kind of decision you’ve made. Maybe you’ve spent more than a year studying something which is not really your thing at all. I would feel a total failure, especially if I have spent a long time because time goes so quick and I would feel that I’ve wasted my time and energy. But on the other side, I would never know what good is for me if I haven’t experienced it. At my college, my only favourite subject is drawing, and the rest?!? Hmmm….ewww! But now that I knew I’ve spent 3 months for a course that’s not my thing, I’m not going to regret and complain about it but to realise that I now can make a decision. Because if I didn’t experience with studying what I’ve been studying, maybe I would still doubt between graphic and web-design. Sometime, you not only need to imagine, but also to feel, eh? If you know what I meant.
-image-Dear Max
Dear Max,
You accompany me to everywhere i go, you’re always there when i’m both happy and sad!
Do you remember when i was smiling at you because i was telling a joke or when someone was telling a joke?
Do you still remember when people around looked weirdly at me as i was insulting the enemies in bomberman game that u have?
Do you still remember that you were my own friend when 2 people i don’t talk to were around me? I was busy with you as if nobody i knew was there.
Right now, when some of the things are not going alright, you’re still here being with me on my bed, playing the songs and helping me update my blog. Not only that, you make me become active on twitter!!!
Your look is so elegant, your slank, sexy body makes me horny. Double horny. You flirt me in bed when i really need to sleep, make me want to touch you all over again. And from all of these advantages i got from you, you’ve created your own name which is Max. Maximum flexibility.
Dear Max my iPod oh-so touch, I LOVE YOU!!!
-image-Two White Doves
October 9th, 2005
He hasn’t seen her for a while, he let her jump into the world outside, no matter how painful it would be for him to see this white dove flew away from him and didn’t come back. This white dove flew away, enjoying everything she could. From a far distance she arrived on a tree, looked at the place where he stood. She wanted to fly back to say how much she loves him but she cancelled her plan and flew away to another place where she thought she could have a new life without him. So there she was, in a strange place which is full of strangers. Everything seemed nice, everything seemed okay, all the other birds were friendly, they came to her and wondered how clean and white are her wings which covered her body as no other bird in that place has a very clean, white wings as she has even though few of the white birds tried to clean their wings. Till one day she met a black crow that seemed different than the other birds and got caught in a long conversation with him. Everything’s still fun till the day’s over and she’s back to her nest she thought about everything happened in a day. Every bird let her did what she wanted to, while the other birds that didn’t really know her still wondered where this very white dove came from and how she could have such a beautiful wings. They noticed that this white dove has been protected by another white dove and she had never been to this very wild world before. The black crow that had a very long conversation with her also kept wondering about her, he reminded her to the past and she thought it’s nice to talk to this bird. He pretended to be a good bird she thought he’s, but in the end this white dove realised that lots of birds especially this black crow said different to each bird which confused her a lots. Every day when the day passed she did what she wanted, got involved with the old bad habit she used to do in the past. First it’s just because she met other birds who also did the same things as she did. She thought she already forgot her better half and could stand on her own foot.
The black crow seemed to disturb her life and confuse her in all the words he said. As all the birds knew how wild and untrustable a black crow is in general, she described this black crow as another black crows that exist on this earth. She, who in the first time, had never met a crow, learnt something more. In the night she kept thinking how different her better half is, how perfect he is in her eyes, now she learnt more why he did the things which she thought it looked like being in a dark hole. She kept comparing other birds to him, still he’s better. She, who first wanted to get her freedom, got regret that she’s disappeared while that other white dove was waiting, hoping her to come back. Life as it is, is very wild outside, she realised she couldn’t stand on her own foots. The holy month of Ramadhan has started, she remembered him, she came back home and all the memories in the past popped up on her mind again. She realised that no matter how fun and great the days were, no matter how happy she could be, something’s missing because there’s no him between all the birds she has met. She sat alone in a dark corner, thinking about everything and her tears slowly covered her face. Only one thing she now had on her mind, she flew to his place and found him there standing alone. She, who has not seen him since she left the place, saw him back. He’s still the best creature for her, he looked even better in her eyes, standing gently near by the door, his white wings looked more cleaner than before, he’s still the cutest white dove for her. He couldn’t believe what he saw, the white dove he saw was the white dove he used to know for months, it’s her … she’s back! He took her hands, kissed her and finally hugged her passionately. He’s glad that he saw her back while she was leaning on his breast, felt the warmness of his love, didn’t want to go away from him again. It’s him, her place to forget all her problems, her place to feel that someone cares for her, he’s her better half. She whispered softly in his ear,”no matter how far I went, how long you’ve not seen me, just remember that you’re always in my heart. The world outside is too wild for me, take me forever with you.” He caressed her hair and hugged her even more. “Welcome back! Forgive me for what I’ve done, my love” he whispered back. These two white doves then flew together, explored the days together and live happily ever after.
-image-Acne? GO AWAYYY!!!
“Nez, your boyfriend keeps on looking at you while he’s walking through this class!” said my friend while I was doing as if I was reading a book, and I played with my hair. Although I pretended not to see him I knew he’s looking at me.
“So what? He has right to look at whatever and whoever he wants to!” I said, trying not to show them that I was shy.
“Woooooooo…!” yelled a few girls.
“Come on, girl! Don’t pretend to be cool! I know you’re shy!!” said my friend, laughing and shaking my body.
“And what are you reading?” asked she, trying to look at the book’s cover.
“KOBO CHAN!!” she said it loudly.
“Oh, my Gawdd!! You still read comic book! Damnnn!!!” she took the book away from me.
“So what?!? I just re-read it! Give it back!!” I said, trying to take my book back.
“Damn you, kiddo! It’s now time for you to read a magazine like…”
“Like what?!?” I cut her.
“Beauty care!” said my friend.
“How to date!!” said another.
“What to wear on your first date!”
“Damn…that’s too much! I’ve never had a date!” I said
“Don’t you read tips like how to take care of your face?”
“What’s that for?!?”
“Oh my Gawwdd!! You’re really a plain girl! Just read it before you get an acne”
“I won’t get any!”
“HAHAHAHAHA…RUBBISHHH!!” (more…)
